Wrong Messages Friday

"How's it going darling?)
I’m not gonna waste your time and I will switch over to the main issue – I’m looking for a real man who is able to satisfy me entirely, you know what I mean, right?;) I’m tired of sissies and men who can’t even take care of themselves. I want to be loved and feel protected
Shortly about me – young, wild and free. You may switch the word ‘young’ on ‘beautiful’ if you’d like). I am a girl with no hang-ups and BDSM is my only bad habit
Anyway if u like girls like me then I chose the right person.
Please reply and I’ll tell you more about myself. Also we can share some (even erotic) pictures.) I’m pretty sure that it will turn out to be an interesting experience talking to each other.
Don’t make a lady wait for too long!) so excited about your answer!
See you soon!"

Hi y'all... another Friday (they seem to be coming faster these days!)
So I decided to tag today 'Wrong Messages Friday'... Why? Well, the above message should answer your question... After settling in at work I figured I should check if I'd gotten any new mail; and apparently, I HAD indeed gotten the above message from a particular unknown Emilia Greenwalt. Here's my reply to Emilia:

Dear Emilia darling.
First, you wasted my precious two minutes if you must know (you should apologise!). Moving on... I am not a real man, Miss Greenwalt; matter of fact, I am not a man in any way - so forget about me satisfying you. If you really wanna be loved and feel protected, sending random mails to strangers will most definitely not help you accomplish that desire.
So, now that I've established that I'm a female like you, I'm sure you wouldn't wanna share erotic pictures with me - except, of course, your other bad habit is being a lesbian. 
Hope this reply excites you as much as you anticipated, but on the other hand, I don't care if it doesn't!


***


*sighs* That was wrong message numero uno! Sometime in the afternoon, I got wrong message numero dos!

"Today is the Last Day in June! Recharge all you can today to get up to N100,000 free credit to call all networks in 9ja"


That one came from our (humming) 0809ja-for-life network. And my reply is short:

Dear 0809ja-for-life,


30 days hath September, April, JUNE and November... 
All the rest hath 31, except for February alone.


Didn't your Class Teacher make you recite that in Elementary School?! Mine did... that's why I know today is not the last day in June!!!


***


And then some douchebag's been sending threats to my phone all day! Tsewwww...

Enjoy your Friday jare, all of you! (and don't forget... no getting stupidly drunk!)

One way of staying married - concentrate all your desires, all mental activities and conceivable good thoughts and activity on your partner. Treat the person as the only one who can satisfy your needs and the only one worthy of your attention

- Tony Marinho (Nene And Other Stories)

Silence is the greatest noise of discord in any form of union

Human beings are not meant for solitude, lonely struggles; the very essence of the species is its need to give and receive friendship, affection, love...

Sandy (Strangers, Dean Koontz)

BEER-BREATH

Dear Beer-Breath,


I know today is Friday, but that is no excuse to spoil the air I breathe with all that nasty musk! I can totally live without it, trust me!


So as you go out today to party and down all the beer (or any other alcoholic material) you can lay your hands and money on, please wash out your mouth before you physically contact/interact with me.


Yours seriously,
Despiser of Beer-Breath

Haha! I’m sure some girl is thinking the above words but may be too scared to tell/write/text it to her beloved man – probably she doesn’t wanna hurt him or want him to think she’s indirectly telling him he’s got a terrible mouth odour (ugh! *wrinkles nose*)… well, I’m helping such a person out here. It’s my God-given obligation this Friday.

Boys, boys… how are you today? I’m sure majority of you are glad it’s Friday again – another day to get rid of the tie at the end of work, go cool off at some club (although I’m familiar with the fact that what you do at the club is very not near to cooling off), transform into a sponge and imbibe several litres of alcohol. Well, I’m glad fer y’all… except there’s one tiny thing tho that most of you do not put into consideration – I don’t know if it’s cos you don’t care or maybe it’s just cos you’re a little inattentive when it comes to your hygiene. Which one?

Anyways whichever it might be, I’m not about to play ‘Mother’ today and start with the hygiene lessons… nah! BUT one question? Have you ever been close to an unwashed mouth that consumed beer like several hours ago, huh? Yeah? Oh, the stench! I mean, an unwashed mouth is bad enough; an unwashed mouth after beer intake is just crazy!

Now, you don’t expect to get home after clubbing with your mouth reeking like that and still want your girlfriend/wife to ‘do’. Stale beer is next only to vomit as a sexual suppressant. Need I say more?!
So what have you learnt? Never ever breathe on (or [insert whatever you do to your woman after partying and getting drunk here, e.g. 'kiss']) your partner without cleaning your teeth and tongue first.

Have a good Friday!

IT’S TIME… THE MOVE-ON

Been a long time I got this blog coming… here it is finally, I hope it comes in handy for those that need it (cos if not, that would totally invalidate my purpose for writing this blog and that would make me really really unhappy!). So let’s get to it already…

Plenty blogs ago, I got a sizeable amount of feedback on the blog ‘My Life Would Suck Without You, Not’… it’s amazing how many people are trapped in relationships they so want to get out of but don’t know how to. So this girl sends me a message and tells me how that blog made her see the light. Now, on this blog, you’re not just gonna be hearing my voice, I’m bringing a lotta voices on to strengthen your resolve to totally get out of that prison you call a relationship. Let’s start with my voice tho… “get the fuck outta that relationship! Dude is just gonna keep abusing you (in whatever way he’s been doing) and shit ain’t gonna stop!” *calming down*

Y’all heard about K. Solo’s story, about his 6-month wedding? The fights, the public humiliation, how he almost killed the girl? No? Yeah? Well, go on ahead and click here for the girl’s side of the story. Y’all ever heard of dudes that say the shittiest things to their wives/gfs? Yeah? Well, I have! I’m gonna tell you why they do it, why you should get out, the things you can say to the dude (in case you’re short of words/reasons – as if the abuse isn’t reason enough! Duh!)


First, let me say that when it looks like a fairy tale from the beginning, like whoa! this is too good to be true, then trust me IT IS too good to be true! It ain’t real! “Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?” *in Fergie’s voice*

WHY THEY ABUSE

Ok, even I can’t lie to you and say that I know why they do it, but I can try. “He’s scared of the light inside of you, so he keeps you in the dark, turning you to a shadow of yourself” *in Katy Perry’s voice* Some dudes think it’s their God-given obligation to discipline the female species, others are just walking in their fathers’ partner-abuse shoes, majority of them are from really messed up families, and the only way they know to let out the frustration is by… abusing you! And well, the rest are just extreme masochists, which by the way, is just plain evil!

WHY YOU SHOULD GET OUT

“I don’t need no one to black my eyes and tell me lies, no don’t need to cry over nobody else/ I can do bad all by myself” *in Mary J. Blige’s voice* Yes babe, you don’t need anyone to beat you to near-death, break your arm or your face or God knows what else! Why? You can do bad all by yourself, that’s why! Just think of all the bad things you can do to yourself by yourself, like hooking up with the wrong dude (in the first place) who is now doing all these very wrong things to you! Nah, you don’t need some twisted individual to pile a lot more badness on top of all that bad that you can do to yourself.


Oh and when you start to hear stuff like “You own my heart, she’s just renting” in his bestest Chris Brown voice… beep beep! Don’t even think of swallowing that poisonous bit of information hook, line and sinker! Don’t even be hooking on that statement, girl; your ass gonna be sinking faster than you think if you hook on to that line. Cos he lying. Read my lips… L… IES! He’s probably (99% definitely) telling the other girl(s) the same thing!


“Now, she’s stuck inside of a man, wishing they’d never ever met” “I used to be a shell, yeah I let him rule my world” *in Katy Perry’s voice* The moment you start to regret being in that relationship, it’s time to figure out where the exit is, sister! The instant you mentally check yourself in a mental mirror, and you’re like ‘what happened to me! I don’t recognise me anymore!’ (in a bad way), girl it’s time to find the door… where the door at, where the door at! I need the door! F**king scream for your life!



“Do you know that there’s a way out? You don’t have to be held down” *in Katy Perry’s voice* I’ve heard these words a lotta times ‘where will I go, where/how will I start, with whom? I’ve been with him for 8 years, we’ve terminated a lotta pregnancies, nobody knows me the way he does’ You’re not the first and you won’t be the last that’ll leave a relationship that was headed for the rocks already; and it definitely isn’t a taboo to want to start your life all over again… it actually is a necessity. All those things you are using to stop yourself are just excuses, nothing more! Excuses that will put you in trouble if you continue to f’oriti (Yoruba for ‘endure’) to the end.


WHAT TO SAY

Yeah, it’s shocking but the truth is even with the amount of bullshit some girls get, they don’t even know what to say to get out from behind ‘em relationship bars. So I’mma help y’all a little. The following are lines you can deliver to the dude, I mean they do it to us all the time, so… your turn:

“It’s personal, myself and I; we got some straightening out to do” *in Fergie’s voice*
“I forsee the dark ahead if I stay” *in Fergie’s voice* still. I mean let’s face it, you ARE really your own prophet. You don’t need anyone to tell you that your relationship is doomed, the signs are all over the place.
But seriously, sometimes you don’t even need to breathe a word… just WALK (out).

HOW TO MOVE ON

First, “big girls don’t cry!” *in Fergie’s voice*. Ok, I don’t agree. It’s okay to cry, it helps. Cry, weep if you must, wipe your teary eyes and snotty nose and move the fuck on! You know how traffics are really annoying and frustrating? Yeah, you putting your life on a standstill cos of some guy who totally doesn’t deserve all that fuss will not only make you an annoying and irritating person, it’ll also frustrate the people around you. If you must put your life in a bind, go do it on some island where you’ll be the only occupant! Not possible? Well then, move the fuck on like I said!


“But I woke up and I grew strong, and I can still go on and no one can take my pearl. You are strong and you’ll learn that you can still go on.” *in Katy Perry’s voice* You need to wake up from this sleep that could lead to insanity or death, you are actually stronger than you think you are, trust me I know! You are strong! When you’ve accepted the situation and are ready to move on, you must draw strength from within *in my Sensei voice*. Friends might actually make moving on easier, but really the strength to do all of that is in you! So start tapping from within, and when it seems you just can’t go on anymore… you know when you’re getting all suicidal and shit, ask God for help! He has and always will be our present help in the times of need.


And hey, don’t say you’ll never love again or let your heart be taken, or fall for someone else ever in your life. Nah! After all, according to Jason Mraz, “it’s your God-forsaken right to be loved” (I don’t know about the ‘God-forsaken’ part tho). And I think the first step (in what may be a series of steps tho) is chucking the deuces to that messy messy situation you're in (and today seems like a good day to start, don't ya think?!)

So this is it! It’ll gladden my heart to know that I’ve been of help again… do write to tell me how!


And no I didn’t forget - to all the dudes who are girlfriend/wife-beaters or abusers in other kind of ways… “y’all jus a bunch of pussy cats!” *in my Weezy voice*

+ if the situation is the other way round, and you’re a dude on the receiving end (of the abuse, that is)… well, read and apply to yourself! Love ya!

BEND-DOWN-SELECT UNDIES

My friend heard me screaming “That shit ain’t right!” He thought I was on one of my endless-chatter/scream sprees again… Took a while before he could get the reason for the screaming outta me.
Guys, have you ever dated a chick who has a penchant for second-hand, fairly-used, or in a more popular language, bend-down select clothes? Yeah? No? Well, I don’t have a problem with those chicks (cos na condition make crayfish bend)… the chicks I actually have a problem with are those that have a strong liking for bend-down-select underwear.

What is Bend-down-select Underwear?

This can be defined as the undergarment worn next to the skin and under the outer garments, however purchased probably in an open market, at a not-so-different-from-new-never-been-worn-by-any-other-person-underwear price; in which the buyer gives the excuse of its supposed durability and a longer lasting tendency as excuse for buying it. Oh, did I mention they smell like they’ve been mothballed since forever? Yeah, they do.

My Beef!

If I was a dude and I found out that 90% of my girlfriend’s undergarments are of the bend-down-select sort, I would so break up with her! Ok, I’m just kidding… I’d probably talk with her and ask her to discontinue use and pray she listens, or she’ll be listening to me complaining on and on for as long as I can till I can’t take it no more.

What? I haven’t stated what my beef is? Ok, my beef is that if I was making love to my girl in some bend-down-select underwear, I would feel like I was with 2 different women – the real owner of the bra, and my girlfriend. And as much as I know you guys dream/desire/love threesomes or 'moresomes', I’m sure you’d like to act it out for real, not make love to the other girl’s underwear; you know, real not imagined.

And then as a girl, it'd be like I've got some girl’s undies stashed in my wardrobe; and when I do put on the bra, I’d feel like I have a stranger-girl’s hands all over my boobs! Ugh! *thinks about it* Double ugh!!! And it’s not like they’re even cheaper or anything like that! I asked.

My friend can’t stop laughing… I’m beginning to laugh myself. Mehn… that shit crazy!
… and then he had to throw this bomb into the already messy situation… guess what he just asked? Are there fairly-used panties too? Do ladies buy those too? *screams* I don’t know, and I don’t even think I’m interested in knowing!!! THAT SHIT AIN’T RIGHT!!!!

A Certain 'Lalacious'

“Lalacious, would you hold my purse for me please?” I heard the lady standing too close for comfort to me say to her kid. “Hmmm… Lalacious, see your nose!” That was when I looked at the kid, and alas, the kid with mucous running down his nose was a boy! Who ever nicknames a boy “Lalacious”! Seriously, that kid is gonna be too in touch with his feminine side (in a very bad way). And who blames a kid for his own runny nose, poor thing couldn’t be more than 3! A responsibility as huge as knowing to take care of his own nose is too… huge for a boy of 3.

Anyways this lady kept making calls, too many calls if you asked me. And all the conversations were decorated with “Yes Sir”, “Oh! I shouldn’t worry? You got my back?” “Oh thank you so much Sir” “Yes, I need like 300 grand now” in what I’d say was a trying-to-sound-sexy voice. You’d ask what my business was with this lady? How couldn’t she be my business when (1) she was standing so close to me that she could easily breathe on, kiss or bite my neck if she wanted (depending on her preference), (2) the damn queue moved too slowly cos only one ATM was functioning cash-dispensing-wise! *sighs*

1 hour later, and it finally came to my turn… hallelujah, right? Well, not quite. Let’s just say the only thing I got out of that 1-hour stand was aching legs and back, oh and sunburn! Now I’m just laying up in bed, legs elevated, Yanni’s ‘The Mermaid’ streaming through into my ears.

Have a terrific Saturday, y’all… and in case you find yourself on a long ATM queue today? May my spirit be with you! xoxo

Print Friday!

I was goin’ through some of my old stuff when I found this drawing a friend of mine made for me like a year ago, I don’t know if he had me in mind when he was drawing that, but who the hell cares! She’s hot! So what does this drawing have to do with today’s blog? Hmm, lemme see… nada! no relations at all.

It’s another Friday, yep! Despite my words of advice 2 Fridays ago, some of you still went and got stupidly drunk and totally embarrassed yourselves, puking and pissing all over the place! What exactly gan-gan is your problem(s)? Don’t you know your limit, or is ‘No Limit’ your Friday night motto?! And don’t tell me you didn’t know you’d consumed so much cos of the Cranberry you mixed with your Hennessey. If sweet innocent Cranberry can still deceive you at this your age, then cover your face in shame!

So in this about-to-end week that we’re in, I’ve seen so much Ankara that I never want to see any more Ankara in my life! Well, at least not until it’s time to pick Ankara for my own wedding (which is, btw, still under probability – the Ankara, not the wedding). It’s like a lotta my friends + cousin suddenly decided to get married this June.

Can I indulge you? No? well, I’m going to anyways, sorry (even tho I’m not):

They are nice, ain’t they? Well, feel free to invite yourselves to ‘em weddings!

(In conclusion) Here’s wishing y’all a lovely Friday evening… Boys, if she starts to pull a Dita Von Teese in the club, run! I know they say flaunt it if you’ve got it; but if you got an infection detector, you’d probably not want to tap that ass. Girls … well, if he starts to strip in the club… do I need to tell you what to do?! No? Thought so!