Cheery!

On the 14th day of December, it still doesn't feel like Christmas around here... and today seems exceptionally boring plus I'm quite in a mood!

So this morning, one woman 'accidentally' hit me with a sack of tomatoes; because I was in such a hurry, I hardly heard her apology, I just flew past her and my thoughts flew with me. It's almost Christmas and a lot of tomatoes will be going from sack to stomach in forms of stews, sauces, soups, jollof rice of different sorts - the tasty, the overdone, the underdone, peppered beef, ponmo, fish... etc. (Gotta shut up now, mouth is watering!) One would think that cos of all these foods that's coming our way in about 2 weeks, everyone would be wearing a smile and welcoming the Christmas spirit with arms & stomach wide open; BUT no that doesn't seem to be the case! I don't see my friends being festive at all, heck! I don't see ME being festive!

A buddy said he's still hustling and if some good comes out of his hustling, maybe then he'd be in a festive mood. Another just doesn't care if it's Christmas or Father's day, she's running away... from her husband. Looks like end of the year is not so festive for many - friends are splitting up, hustle is not yielding fruit... did you hear about Julie who lost her husband days ago after he danced to Gangnam Style? End of this year is definitely not festive for the poor widow!

But hey, amidst all the gloom we need to cheer each other up! I mean, aside from the fact that it's that period  again when we celebrate how much Christ loves us enough to die for us, we also mustn't let ourselves be put down...

Here's sending some cheer your way:

Lol! Now I made you smile, right? Be festive, people... but hey, don't mix alcohol and Gangnam Style - I'm not sure that would be a great idea! xo

When Fishes Drown

How many times have I preached/blogged about physical abuse in relationships again? Well, someone else thinks it's dead ass wrong too... Here's the trailer of When Fishes Drown by Soji Ogunnaike - a short film about domestic violence!



Some of my past blogs on relationship ish:

1. Second Helping
2. It's Time - The Move-On
3. Equity Theory - Why Women Nag
4. On That Issue Of Wife-Battering noni
5. My Life Would Suck Without You, Not!

Enjoy the trailer, the blogs and a life devoid of violence. Peace!

Living Under The Shadow Of The Almighty PAST

They say Karma is a bitch… well, the past can be a badder bitch! Badder than Nicki Minaj, the past.

The question is, how hard is it to move on? A number of people vote that moving on depends how y’all broke up in the first place, others say it depends on how emotionally frail the individual involved is/his (or in most cases, her) emotional strength. Some also say it depends on if you were in love, “in lust” or obsessed with the former partner. A particular person says most people hold back from getting into a relationship again cos of a certain mentality that I would say is a lil bit business-natured. How? Simple! He says why re-invest in a business you invested in once/twice/(count the number of times you’ve been in a serious relationship) only for that business to fail! All that time you invested, the hope, your dreams – everything shattered, destroyed to the point where you can’t pick up pieces. Hence, moving becomes real difficult.

So personally, for you, how hard was it or is it? Pretty hard? Not that hard? You moved on almost immediately? Oh wow! For my specimen (please don’t tell her I called her ‘specimen’), it’s been pretty hard! Dude professes love, swears with everything he holds dear never to leave her side no matter what, even meets with her parents only to dump her when she told him she was pregnant… he just ran away; dropped out of her life just like that! Her kid is 11 years old now and she’s found it difficult to move on! Honestly, she does not even want to move on! It’s so bad that there is nothing a man would tell her that she’d believe, absolutely nothing! Cos the former guy told her everything and meant nothing! Talk about empty promises! And please don’t start with maybe dude is dead or maybe the child isn’t his – the kid is his spitting image AND his parents still hear from him, so rule out those possibilities!

Now, you’d agree with me that 3 years is more than enough to cry and pick up your life, yeah? Maybe 5? But 12?! Outrageous, from my point of view… but hey, different shades of emotional frailty/strength, right? So my dear specimen is all by herself for 12 years living under the shadow of the almighty past! Raising her kid by herself, well with tiny help here and there from the kid’s maternal grandmother.

More frightening is the situation of the girl that previously has been in a physically abusive relationship, the next guy looks capable of beating her to a pulp like that last guy – and when I say the next guy, I mean every other guy that comes her way! Peace of mind in solitude looks more appealing than the warmth of a blow on her cheek. And do I blame her not!

So, the next question is how do you come out from under the shadow of the past and into the light of the future? Simple! Err…. I have no idea, sorry! The thing is there can never be a standard healing process/procedure; BUT I can suggest a few things tho:

1. Since you’ve spent so much time with yourself already, it’s time to admit you need some sunshine, some loving! Heck, you must smell all ewww for staying in the dark for so long like clothes stored in a dark wardrobe with plenty mothballs (I love the smell of mothballs tho! Lol). But seriously, even tho Celine Dion’s “All By Myself” is a great song, that place isn’t a very good place to be!

2. If you’ve been living that way for like 12 years like my specimen? See a shrink! That cannot, in any way, be normal or healthy – for you and your kid (if you have one) cos sooner or later you’d be transferring your ideas/mentality to the poor kid.

3. If you’re not sure you know how to live and share your life with someone else anymore, let friends help you out.

4. If all the above don’t work, maybe you need to invite some supernatural force – see God.

5. And yeah, you can see me too *wink wink*

Now, in the words of the great Leona Lewis, hum to the terrible ex one last time (he/she doesn’t have to be there tho, it’s mostly for your own good) “No matter how hard it is, I’ll be fine without you, yes I will!”

Rebelkween signing out… go and live in that dark, murky past no more! XO

Pills Or Your Womb..?

“Aunty Faith…” I pretend like I don’t hear her. “Aunty Faith, I know you’re angry… but something terrible happened” She continued with that pleading tone in her voice. I looked up at her, “You’re not dead, are ya?! You coulda called to say you weren’t gonna come” She went sober after I said that.

Tolani was supposed to do something for me the morning before, but she didn’t turn up – leaving me to do all the work, which was quite exhausting by the way! Of course I was pretending to be much more angrier than I was, I couldn’t stay angry for a long time at the sweet little thing. So, with the angry look gone, I raised my head, “Oya, I’m listening o. What happened?” *she sighs* “Well, let’s just say I’m hoping to God something isn’t wrong with my womb” Now, that caught my attention! Before we go any further, I’d like to add that Tolani is 18.

In my head, 18 and womb-going-wrong sounded so… wrong! “How do you mean?”, I asked. And the story began… “You know I was away for a while, so when I came back I decided to go pay the boyfriend a visit. He was complaining about how I’d been starving him and everything… at the end of the day he forced me, had his way.” Then she paused for effect. I didn’t breathe a word, silently beckoning her to continue with her story… “When he finished, he brought a glass of water and put a spoon of salt in it, in my presence… but since then I’ve been bleeding!” Oh Lordy! I asked, “How long ago was this?” “2 days ago” “What! You’ve been bleeding for 2 days!”

To cut the long story short, I convinced her that what the dude gave her wasn’t just salt water solution, he must have put something in the water before he brought it to her. I asked her to go back to him and threaten to have arrested until he confesses what else was in the water.

…. today!

“Aunty Faith, I’ve asked him o. He was apologising and everything. He said before he brought the water he had put grounded potash, postinor 1 and ampiclox…” “What?! All that?! What if you had died, would he apologise to your corpse? Or your mother? Truth is, he woulda carried and dumped your body in one bush like that! That is the gospel truth!”

Yes, she still bled for a couple days more, and yes! she’s still in fear that something might be already wrong with her womb. What is wrong with us girls?! Exactly what?! A guy shags you without protection, and then he gives you something to swallow, in the name of preventing an unwanted pregnancy; AND you use it!!! Why didn’t he protect himself in the first place? That’s one safe preventive measure; abi what rule says it’s the girls that must swallow pills, or if the worse has happened, do an abortion or deal with early motherhood?! What if the drug(s) killed you? When are we going to get wiser, huh? After many wombs have been destroyed, or some have bled to death?! Or is it after lives and careers have been destroyed?! Tuma pāgala hō ga'ē hō?

I’m not gonna advise any girl out there… you know what’s good for you and your womb. Good luck not ruining your future! Namaste!

No SEX After...

*sighs* Here we are again... boy/girl matter don tire me, honestly! (Did I hear someone say "then quit writing about them?") Awww, how am I gonna quit on y'all? That would be so cruel of the Rebel Fairy Godmother, wouldn't it?

So what's today's rant about? The other day some girl walked into my office for business reasons - let's name her Joan; you know how they say it's a small tiny world? Yeah, she met this dude at my office (he's a friend of the house), let's call him Tolu. So Tolu was like "Hey, Joan! What are you doing here?!" The moment she sighted Tolu, Joan activated mode awkwardness! Your guess is as good as mine - there's a story! And trust me, I dug for that story (after Joan had left tho!)

Summary: Joan used to date Tolu's friend; Joan and Tolu's friend broke up; Joan was crying on one of the numerous roads in Lagos; Tolu saw her; Joan went home with him; Joan needed a channel to let out her sorrow; Joan started to simultaneously strip herself and kiss all over him; Tolu stopped her (although I'm sure he let her kiss him a lil bit) - ehen, where was I? Yeah, Tolu stopped her, talked her outta the about-to-happen-sex-as-escape mechanism-ish. Then I guess she dressed up, ashamedly. And left.

Hence, awkward mode activation when they saw again! (And I was the spectator, interesting innit?!). Anyways, when/how did sex ever make a one feel less awful after a break-up? Argue/deny all you want, but the truth is sex NEVER makes what's already destroyed better - be it a break-up, divorce, separation, or even a mere quarrel or argument - it's like taking a cracked wineglass and totally throwing it against a wall sending tiny little smithereens of broken glass flying all over the place... most times, the wineglass being YOU, making yourself more vulnerable, hurting others too; and in some cases you're usually no longer the same! AND I'm not just talking to the girls, the boys too (although most times, y'all turn to drinking and then SEX!)... so, I'm talking to everybody - married or single. Having sex with a total stranger or even a friend after you end things (permanently or temporarily) with your partner is dead ass WRONG!

I mean, imagine this - you and your partner broke up cos of trust/insecurity issues (which is majorly the case); then your dumb ass thinks sex with a stranger is the next step to feeling all better; then maybe u do it, or you attempted but it didn't happen like in Joan and Tolu's case; THEN your partner has been thinking over and over, "I think I want him/her back, I love him/her, gotta get over these trust/insecurity issue cos I really want to be with her/him", then he/she heads back your way begging to be taken back... HOW will you tell your repentant partner that you went and done got fucked by someone else to ease the pain. I know some of you can do it sha, even blame your partner for pushing you to sleep with someone else... oya cover your faces in shame! Yeah, it's shameful! Nobody pushes you to do anything, e don dey your body before!

Look, I know no one is a saint and I ain't anti-sex or anything like that; but to be on the safe side and keep everyone happy AND to avoid a Joan-Tolu scenario (I know I would hate to be in that kinda fix) - I vote NO rebound sex, NO sleeping with strangers, NO sleeping around to ease the pain (cos it only compounds it eventually), NO FWBs (friends with benefits, 'case u didn't know what that meant), NO helping each other... in fact, cool off on the sex after you just ended a relationship, give yourself and body time to chill. You'll thank me later!

And yeah, if anyone wants to be your friend or shoulder to cry on after you've been thru a rough time? Jumping into bed with you is not exactly the ideal way to show you that shoulder he's offering to be cried on, say NO!

ALUU Killings

I just saw this video... Nobody deserves to die like this, in my own opinion. Seriously, if we all start to take the law into our own hands, what would the world be like? #nuffsaid I'm going to sit in one corner.

Action, shaped by intelligence and a moral perspective, is the answer to most problems.

- False Memory, Dean Koontz

Tolu & Adetoun

Season 5 of Project Fame finally came to an end, and even though most people didn't think Ayo deserved to win, I thought it'd be best not to bother myself with who shoulda won or who shouldn't have! INSTEAD, I decided to share my favourite collabo on here. Adetoun and Tolu totally killed it! That was my best performance... it was captivating! I totally fell in love with those 2! Here it is, AREWA by Tolu Adesina & Adetoun... enjoy!

Blog~Lovin'

Happy Friday, sweet sweet people! Another cold Friday, or is it just cold in my office? *shrugs* How'd your September go? As you expected? No? Well, don't feel bad... there's 2 more days before it's over, jump on it!

For my Nigerian readers, it's gonna be an extended one this weekend (Happy Independence Day on Monday, btw!)... so what do u plan to do with all that free time? Movies? Just resting? Well... for those of you that love to read, I have 2 blog posts you should read when you're free BECAUSE... well, because the first one, dude is looking for a wife... I'm sure the ladies will be interested; the second, my sweet friend was talking about more smart phones, less smart people (which I think is true). So,

1. GOTTA MARRY! HOW MUCH IS IT AGAIN? by @Blog_Aces
2. Generation Y; more 'Smartphones' less 'smart people' by @toperants

Oh! and if you know someone getting married, let's share it with @thejidetaiwo so he can put it on The Daily Wedding Blog.

Ok, that's it... in case you get bored eventually, holla at your girl! So, here's wishing you Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust! xo

SECOND HELPING

Dear girls,

I hear going back to your abusive boyfriends (especially those that got close to almost taking your life the first time around) is what is trending… interesting! Riri kissing Chris, claiming they were young and bla bla; K-Solo’s wife returning to him, claiming it was all publicity stunt… very interesting indeed! I mean, who’s next? Whitney resurrecting and going back to Bobby to get a second helping on some of that smackdown?! Seriously, all these girls never heard of that never go back to your vomit adage. I think the case here is they love the vomit! Ewww… I just had a very nasty filthy mental image. When has vomit been good for anyone?!

(That's Riri by the way, in case you have a hell of a time recognizing her)

I don’t know this woman BUT a man does you like this, and you claim y’all were kids and unknowing and ish.. then I know your ass dumb!


Let’s talk, girl to girl… honey, I would soooo get a second helping on that butter-icing cake (hmmm… yum!), that ice-cream I love so much with all the toppings and all… I’d definitely get a second helping on that fantastic, breath-taking roll in the hay (not like I ever rolled in the hay with the strong scent of sex and straw in the air… I would love that tho)… but babes, one thing I’d never do is get a second helping on that black and blue! Na ahn! Black and blue is not a great colour combination, especially not for your face; and neither is broken ribs, nor broken whatever-else good for you! If you love yourself, you’ll move on with your life.

*** I’ll take this time to talk to the abusive husbands/boyfriends too. Inviting her back into your life after you almost killed her the first time is inviting trouble. Let’s look at the worst case scenarios:

-          You might succeed this time and actually kill her

-          OR you might turn her into a monster, she turns around and kills/nearly kills you. Oh you think she doesn’t have the physical strength to do that? Food can be poisoned, you know. So can the vajaija! Hahahaha *evil laughter* After all, what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander. Choke, you wife-beater, choke!

Now that we’ve gotten this outta the way, I’m going for my second helping of the movie Luv Ka The End! Kisses…  

‘LOVEDOM’

“I love you (girl smiles)… and I have a condom (girl gets up and walks away)”. 

Guys, seriously when will u ever learn that except the girl is in it just for the shags, you don’t mention love and condom in the same sentence?! Do I have to teach you everything! *rme* Seriously, I love you and I have a condom are NOT relatives? They are not even neighbours (especially when y’all aren’t married yet)! I mean if a guy made those two declarations to me in one breath, I’d conveniently believe he was in love with the junk in my trunk (not like I got trunk sha, I’m not an elephant… hehehe! Just kidding)

So I’mma list some scenarios where you can announce to your girl that you have a condom and it doesn’t sound insulting like in that dude’s case:

1.      Definitely NOT after you say I love you

2.      When you love yourself enough to NOT want to contract crabs (or prawns), UTIs, chlamydia and ish [you do know you can get all those from your regular gf, and not just a prostitute, right?]

3.      When y’all are sensible enough to realise that unwanted pregnancies are very much unwanted considering where the economy is going these days (if you’re in Nigeria, I’m sure you heard about the new N5000 note planned for next year; MEANING plenty will lose jobs, ritualists will be back in business etc. How does an unwanted pregnancy fit in, tell me?)

4.      She’s a prostitute.

That’s it! 4 points are enough for the wise. Now, I have other things to do (like sit in my chair and gaze at nothing in particular). Love y’all. Mwah!

Stoned To Death

Days ago, this programme came on CNN, God's Warriors or summ'n like that... and the presenter was interviewing a veiled Islamic woman... "what kind of religion condemns offenders to be stoned to death, 
even when a young girl was raped, she'd still be stoned to death..."

I didn't bother to listen to the rest of the interview cos the only thing that caught my attention was that phrase Stoned to Death. I don't wanna go into what one religion (or the other) thinks is the best method of punishing offenders. What I'm interested in is how one can die by being stoned. Mehn, that can't be funny at all o. How many stones can they possibly hurl at one before death comes? A couple? A hundred? I mean seriously, that kinda capital punishment is just not nice! I'm just imagining a mob of very angry punishers hurling stones (not too big enough to kill the offender after 2/3 throws) with all the angry chakra they got! What torture!

Psychic Friday

How you doing, people?!!! TGIF, right?! I'm sure you recognise the picture above? No? It's from Keyshia's Enough Of No Love video (which I totally I'm in love with, btw!)... KeyKey knows just how to mix hood/street with hot/sexy!

Enough of that... so much depression seems to be going around lately! Not good... (and don't ask me how I know cos I'm not about to reveal my secret with tarot cards and psychic ish with you... oops! Hehehe!). Anyways, I found this somewhere and I thought I should share:

Zoom in, and be happy! Have a great Friday, darlings! XO

Songs of the Day

First,

Busy Signal - One More Night

Powered by mp3skull.com

Had this song in my head all day! Played it like ... (checking my iTunes) 15 times! And I'm at work! SMH..


Second,

D'Beat - Oyoyo



*humming* ife to n pa ni bi oti... ti n ba ji l'owuro, ma ya to ololufe mi lo... (translation: love that intoxicates like wine... when i wake in the morning, i'll go to my lover...)
Catchy tune!

Wishing you a wonderful rest of the day... XOXO

RebelSinger!

I had the weirdest of dreams today… I think it was because of that Stephanie Okereke’s wedding video that I saw days ago… smh! Anyways, hello darlings! How is your week going so far? Most of my Moslem friends are losing weight so bad, y’all hang on… fast is almost over!

Yesterday, this chick listened to my song and she went all “girl, you’re disturbed” on my ass! Lol. Ain’t we all disturbed?! So yeah, I did a song… it’s titled Demon With Wings (of course, it’s Hard Rock, so brace yourselves!). No, I don’t plan to go into the music industry thingy (altho I know a lot of certain somebodies that would want me to). And yeah, even tho this song is about me snatching the ass of some bitch tryna snatch my man; there AIN’T no girl tryna steal my man in reality… it’s just a song, yaar!

Here we go:

DEMON WITH WINGS

Song written and performed by yours truly, Rebelkween
Produced, Mixed & Mastered by Ski for 601 Studios (that’s where I work, by the way!)
Bass Guitar by TBeiz
Live Guitar & Drums by Ski

… Check 601Studios for other songs produced at 601. Leave comments for me on the song, will ya? Thanks!!!

AUG.mented

Hey you guys!!! 1st of August, how time flies innit?! O ga o!

... not much to say sha, just thought I'd wish y'all a beautiful August... may your remaining days this year be fruitful, may you find favour everywhere you go, may your life not be like the heap of corn I saw on Sunday... that heap of corn was left unattended to by whoever was selling it, so this wicked driver wanted to reverse and get back on the road... you know that Yoruba adage (aisinle ologbo, ile d'ile ekute), the one that translates to the cat not being home, it becomes the home of the rats... the driver decided to test his reverse skills on the heap of corn... poor corn cobs were crushed under the tyres of the car, and the dude just zoomed off! I'm sure the corn seller woulda rained plenty curses on him if she was there; or better still she woulda protected her goods and make sure no car tyres crushed them! SO, may your life never be left unattended to enough for the enemy to crush you... in Jesus' name, Amen!

And to my Moslem friends... Ramadan Kareem!

Some people are so invested in their fear and hatred that peace is the most threatening thing they can imagine...

- Dalia Hassan, 24 (TV Series)

Love and Obsession know no time frame

- Badly Drawn Dobs

Let Him Toast You...

This blog is inspired by a conversation I had with someone some days ago, and it (obviously) is directed to the ladies (well… and the bottom QUEEN dudes).


There was first, an interesting conversation between me and this babe months ago – how she met her boyfriend… she was all pink going back in time telling me how they met, how he took her breath away when she first saw him, blab la blab la..! It was all so sweet BUT I wasn’t satisfied! I also wanted to know how the guy asked her to be his girl… You dudes know yourselves na, some of you have some very tacky, cheesy pick-up lines, while others are sincere about the whole ish.

Let me divert a lil to some of the mawkish ask-out lines I’ve heard:

-          “I really like you… You’re the kind of girl I want to take home to my mother” Hello! When a guy tells you that the first time he meets you or on the first date, be careful, there’s insincerity written all over that!

-          “I want you to be my missing rib” Mister, do I look like Eve to you?

-          “I was wondering; would you like to be my queen?” Err… of which kingdom?

-          “You’re just so beautiful; would you like to have my kids?” Would you ask me that if I had a huge nose and a much huger lower lip?

-          “There’s a show tonight, I told my friends I’d bring my girlfriend, I’d like you to come with me (But I’m not your girlfriend) Well, I’m asking you now… will you be my girlfriend?” You say yes, and he dumps your ass after ‘tonight’

Anyways back to the kini at hand jare… “so, tell me exactly how he asked you to be his girlfriend, what were his words?” – blank – ummm… he didn’t. “He didn’t? I don’t understand” *clears throat* well, you know some relationships start without you knowing how it even started in the first place. We just started talking really, we were friends and then one thing led to the other and we’re now more than friends. No one really asked the other any question. “oh I see, I get what you’re trying to say…” *beaming up smiling so brightly again* you understand, right? “Oh yeah I do, I understand too well…”

Fast forward a few months… same girl

*sobbing* I just don’t know what to do anymore; I didn’t sign up for this “babe, calm down, what exactly happened. Well everything is happening all at once, he doesn’t talk to me anymore, he gets annoyed and calls me names at every opportunity… and today he said the most outrageous thing I have ever heard! “What’d he say?” *with tears in eyes* He said he’s tired, that he doesn’t even know how I pressured him into the relationship, that after all, he didn’t even ask me out, that I pushed myself into his life; and now he wants out… out of the thraldom I supposedly put him in. sighs… then give him out! He wants out? Give him out! *eyes widen* what! Babe, you didn’t just say that, did you?! Of course I did. Remember I was very quiet months ago after you narrated the story of how he did NOT ask you out? I was hoping this would not happen, but it has. So I’ll tell you what I didn’t tell you the last time… you offered yourself to him on a platter of gold, like ‘here take me, I’m all yours, free of charge, do with me whatever you want’. And he took you the way you offered yourself, FOC! You guys went from a-couple-weeks friendship to a relationship, and you didn’t even make it official! You think marriage is the only thing that needs to be made official? But it was clear he liked me! I didn’t think there was any need making a demand that he ask me out properly…” That is the point! If he really liked you, he would tell you all the things he likes about you, and would ask you like a gentleman should to be his girlfriend, bracing himself for whatever response you might give him and not give up so easily if you’d said no, making it clear to you that he cannot do without you. But this dude didn’t ask you out, not even in a cheesy way, he didn’t ask you at all! He took advantage of the fact that you liked him, and now that he’s done screwing (with) you, he’s blaming you for the failure of a relationship that didn’t even officially commence in the first place. So you’re going to do what he wants now, let him go! What if he never comes back, I love him! If he never comes back, then it means he doesn’t deserve you, and you my friend do not deserve low quality either. Trust me on this one, take back yourself, take back your platter of gold too… if he needs you, I’m sure he knows where and how to find you. Now, since nobody died… or did somebody die that I don’t know about? *shakes head* No. Good! Wipe ‘em tears and let’s go grab you some comfort food…

Is anyone getting the picture yet? Ladies? It’s simple, really… if he wants you, let him ask you. Don’t play the Assumption Game with him, cos someday he will assume himself out of the relationship, and try to paint you like you’re the desperate psycho bitch that wanted the relationship so bad. Don’t sell yourself cheap. Now I’m not saying let him beg and grovel, don’t send him away… but let him ASK. I won’t say it twice o... let him ASK! (oh, I’ve said it twice already! SMH) *whispering* LET HIM ASK!

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Been a minute, my sweet tiny little hearts! How have you been?! Yeah, I know! I missed y'all too! Why I haven't been blogging? Oh my sweets! You have no idea what I've been through these past few days; but I will not bore you with that story now - just know that it's work-related, and I ended up with the flu!

So what mischief have you all been up to? I hear Davido's album launch is coming up and many of you want to kill yourselves getting the tix! Na una wahala be that, seriously! Nah... I don't have anything against Davido; I just don't understand why some people want to kill themselves over getting tickets to be at the launch... yawns


Moving on... I almost got a tattoo some days back. The only reason I didn't get it was cos I kept hearing a lotta voices in my head screaming and painting pictures of the several gruesome ways they'd kill me if I got it (my BFF's and several other family members' inclusive)... and since the world needs me too much, and I'm not ready to die yet, I decided against the tattoo (I don't promise not to get it done in the nearest future tho).

Next please... Ummm.. yeah, I fell in love! With... 'Ile Ijo' video by May D. I just love the dance steps done by Kaffy and her girls.. nice!

NEXT! I hear our young ladies' hearts are breaking cos all the young fine (and not so fine) men have suddenly developed a fetish for marrying white ladies women old enough to be their grandmothers! *sighs* Well, what's to be done?! Young ladies, let's meet in my office for brainstorming! I'm sure together we'll figure out how to charm (not jazz) and collect our young men back! (Even if it means occupying airports to forcefully snatch these young men when they are ready to leave the country with their newly acquired grandmothers, taking them to Bar beach to wash their heads with sponge and soap before returning them to their mothers for a good ass-whooping!). That should work!

So, I gotta get outta here. Got some business to attend to (while the superiors gulp down on their Wild Turkey... shhhhh! don't let them know I told you). Feel free to indulge yourself in a bottle or two of it, I hear it's good.

Happy second-to-last weekend in July! Much love!!! 

Wrong Messages Friday

"How's it going darling?)
I’m not gonna waste your time and I will switch over to the main issue – I’m looking for a real man who is able to satisfy me entirely, you know what I mean, right?;) I’m tired of sissies and men who can’t even take care of themselves. I want to be loved and feel protected
Shortly about me – young, wild and free. You may switch the word ‘young’ on ‘beautiful’ if you’d like). I am a girl with no hang-ups and BDSM is my only bad habit
Anyway if u like girls like me then I chose the right person.
Please reply and I’ll tell you more about myself. Also we can share some (even erotic) pictures.) I’m pretty sure that it will turn out to be an interesting experience talking to each other.
Don’t make a lady wait for too long!) so excited about your answer!
See you soon!"

Hi y'all... another Friday (they seem to be coming faster these days!)
So I decided to tag today 'Wrong Messages Friday'... Why? Well, the above message should answer your question... After settling in at work I figured I should check if I'd gotten any new mail; and apparently, I HAD indeed gotten the above message from a particular unknown Emilia Greenwalt. Here's my reply to Emilia:

Dear Emilia darling.
First, you wasted my precious two minutes if you must know (you should apologise!). Moving on... I am not a real man, Miss Greenwalt; matter of fact, I am not a man in any way - so forget about me satisfying you. If you really wanna be loved and feel protected, sending random mails to strangers will most definitely not help you accomplish that desire.
So, now that I've established that I'm a female like you, I'm sure you wouldn't wanna share erotic pictures with me - except, of course, your other bad habit is being a lesbian. 
Hope this reply excites you as much as you anticipated, but on the other hand, I don't care if it doesn't!


***


*sighs* That was wrong message numero uno! Sometime in the afternoon, I got wrong message numero dos!

"Today is the Last Day in June! Recharge all you can today to get up to N100,000 free credit to call all networks in 9ja"


That one came from our (humming) 0809ja-for-life network. And my reply is short:

Dear 0809ja-for-life,


30 days hath September, April, JUNE and November... 
All the rest hath 31, except for February alone.


Didn't your Class Teacher make you recite that in Elementary School?! Mine did... that's why I know today is not the last day in June!!!


***


And then some douchebag's been sending threats to my phone all day! Tsewwww...

Enjoy your Friday jare, all of you! (and don't forget... no getting stupidly drunk!)

One way of staying married - concentrate all your desires, all mental activities and conceivable good thoughts and activity on your partner. Treat the person as the only one who can satisfy your needs and the only one worthy of your attention

- Tony Marinho (Nene And Other Stories)

Silence is the greatest noise of discord in any form of union

Human beings are not meant for solitude, lonely struggles; the very essence of the species is its need to give and receive friendship, affection, love...

Sandy (Strangers, Dean Koontz)

BEER-BREATH

Dear Beer-Breath,


I know today is Friday, but that is no excuse to spoil the air I breathe with all that nasty musk! I can totally live without it, trust me!


So as you go out today to party and down all the beer (or any other alcoholic material) you can lay your hands and money on, please wash out your mouth before you physically contact/interact with me.


Yours seriously,
Despiser of Beer-Breath

Haha! I’m sure some girl is thinking the above words but may be too scared to tell/write/text it to her beloved man – probably she doesn’t wanna hurt him or want him to think she’s indirectly telling him he’s got a terrible mouth odour (ugh! *wrinkles nose*)… well, I’m helping such a person out here. It’s my God-given obligation this Friday.

Boys, boys… how are you today? I’m sure majority of you are glad it’s Friday again – another day to get rid of the tie at the end of work, go cool off at some club (although I’m familiar with the fact that what you do at the club is very not near to cooling off), transform into a sponge and imbibe several litres of alcohol. Well, I’m glad fer y’all… except there’s one tiny thing tho that most of you do not put into consideration – I don’t know if it’s cos you don’t care or maybe it’s just cos you’re a little inattentive when it comes to your hygiene. Which one?

Anyways whichever it might be, I’m not about to play ‘Mother’ today and start with the hygiene lessons… nah! BUT one question? Have you ever been close to an unwashed mouth that consumed beer like several hours ago, huh? Yeah? Oh, the stench! I mean, an unwashed mouth is bad enough; an unwashed mouth after beer intake is just crazy!

Now, you don’t expect to get home after clubbing with your mouth reeking like that and still want your girlfriend/wife to ‘do’. Stale beer is next only to vomit as a sexual suppressant. Need I say more?!
So what have you learnt? Never ever breathe on (or [insert whatever you do to your woman after partying and getting drunk here, e.g. 'kiss']) your partner without cleaning your teeth and tongue first.

Have a good Friday!

IT’S TIME… THE MOVE-ON

Been a long time I got this blog coming… here it is finally, I hope it comes in handy for those that need it (cos if not, that would totally invalidate my purpose for writing this blog and that would make me really really unhappy!). So let’s get to it already…

Plenty blogs ago, I got a sizeable amount of feedback on the blog ‘My Life Would Suck Without You, Not’… it’s amazing how many people are trapped in relationships they so want to get out of but don’t know how to. So this girl sends me a message and tells me how that blog made her see the light. Now, on this blog, you’re not just gonna be hearing my voice, I’m bringing a lotta voices on to strengthen your resolve to totally get out of that prison you call a relationship. Let’s start with my voice tho… “get the fuck outta that relationship! Dude is just gonna keep abusing you (in whatever way he’s been doing) and shit ain’t gonna stop!” *calming down*

Y’all heard about K. Solo’s story, about his 6-month wedding? The fights, the public humiliation, how he almost killed the girl? No? Yeah? Well, go on ahead and click here for the girl’s side of the story. Y’all ever heard of dudes that say the shittiest things to their wives/gfs? Yeah? Well, I have! I’m gonna tell you why they do it, why you should get out, the things you can say to the dude (in case you’re short of words/reasons – as if the abuse isn’t reason enough! Duh!)


First, let me say that when it looks like a fairy tale from the beginning, like whoa! this is too good to be true, then trust me IT IS too good to be true! It ain’t real! “Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?” *in Fergie’s voice*

WHY THEY ABUSE

Ok, even I can’t lie to you and say that I know why they do it, but I can try. “He’s scared of the light inside of you, so he keeps you in the dark, turning you to a shadow of yourself” *in Katy Perry’s voice* Some dudes think it’s their God-given obligation to discipline the female species, others are just walking in their fathers’ partner-abuse shoes, majority of them are from really messed up families, and the only way they know to let out the frustration is by… abusing you! And well, the rest are just extreme masochists, which by the way, is just plain evil!

WHY YOU SHOULD GET OUT

“I don’t need no one to black my eyes and tell me lies, no don’t need to cry over nobody else/ I can do bad all by myself” *in Mary J. Blige’s voice* Yes babe, you don’t need anyone to beat you to near-death, break your arm or your face or God knows what else! Why? You can do bad all by yourself, that’s why! Just think of all the bad things you can do to yourself by yourself, like hooking up with the wrong dude (in the first place) who is now doing all these very wrong things to you! Nah, you don’t need some twisted individual to pile a lot more badness on top of all that bad that you can do to yourself.


Oh and when you start to hear stuff like “You own my heart, she’s just renting” in his bestest Chris Brown voice… beep beep! Don’t even think of swallowing that poisonous bit of information hook, line and sinker! Don’t even be hooking on that statement, girl; your ass gonna be sinking faster than you think if you hook on to that line. Cos he lying. Read my lips… L… IES! He’s probably (99% definitely) telling the other girl(s) the same thing!


“Now, she’s stuck inside of a man, wishing they’d never ever met” “I used to be a shell, yeah I let him rule my world” *in Katy Perry’s voice* The moment you start to regret being in that relationship, it’s time to figure out where the exit is, sister! The instant you mentally check yourself in a mental mirror, and you’re like ‘what happened to me! I don’t recognise me anymore!’ (in a bad way), girl it’s time to find the door… where the door at, where the door at! I need the door! F**king scream for your life!



“Do you know that there’s a way out? You don’t have to be held down” *in Katy Perry’s voice* I’ve heard these words a lotta times ‘where will I go, where/how will I start, with whom? I’ve been with him for 8 years, we’ve terminated a lotta pregnancies, nobody knows me the way he does’ You’re not the first and you won’t be the last that’ll leave a relationship that was headed for the rocks already; and it definitely isn’t a taboo to want to start your life all over again… it actually is a necessity. All those things you are using to stop yourself are just excuses, nothing more! Excuses that will put you in trouble if you continue to f’oriti (Yoruba for ‘endure’) to the end.


WHAT TO SAY

Yeah, it’s shocking but the truth is even with the amount of bullshit some girls get, they don’t even know what to say to get out from behind ‘em relationship bars. So I’mma help y’all a little. The following are lines you can deliver to the dude, I mean they do it to us all the time, so… your turn:

“It’s personal, myself and I; we got some straightening out to do” *in Fergie’s voice*
“I forsee the dark ahead if I stay” *in Fergie’s voice* still. I mean let’s face it, you ARE really your own prophet. You don’t need anyone to tell you that your relationship is doomed, the signs are all over the place.
But seriously, sometimes you don’t even need to breathe a word… just WALK (out).

HOW TO MOVE ON

First, “big girls don’t cry!” *in Fergie’s voice*. Ok, I don’t agree. It’s okay to cry, it helps. Cry, weep if you must, wipe your teary eyes and snotty nose and move the fuck on! You know how traffics are really annoying and frustrating? Yeah, you putting your life on a standstill cos of some guy who totally doesn’t deserve all that fuss will not only make you an annoying and irritating person, it’ll also frustrate the people around you. If you must put your life in a bind, go do it on some island where you’ll be the only occupant! Not possible? Well then, move the fuck on like I said!


“But I woke up and I grew strong, and I can still go on and no one can take my pearl. You are strong and you’ll learn that you can still go on.” *in Katy Perry’s voice* You need to wake up from this sleep that could lead to insanity or death, you are actually stronger than you think you are, trust me I know! You are strong! When you’ve accepted the situation and are ready to move on, you must draw strength from within *in my Sensei voice*. Friends might actually make moving on easier, but really the strength to do all of that is in you! So start tapping from within, and when it seems you just can’t go on anymore… you know when you’re getting all suicidal and shit, ask God for help! He has and always will be our present help in the times of need.


And hey, don’t say you’ll never love again or let your heart be taken, or fall for someone else ever in your life. Nah! After all, according to Jason Mraz, “it’s your God-forsaken right to be loved” (I don’t know about the ‘God-forsaken’ part tho). And I think the first step (in what may be a series of steps tho) is chucking the deuces to that messy messy situation you're in (and today seems like a good day to start, don't ya think?!)

So this is it! It’ll gladden my heart to know that I’ve been of help again… do write to tell me how!


And no I didn’t forget - to all the dudes who are girlfriend/wife-beaters or abusers in other kind of ways… “y’all jus a bunch of pussy cats!” *in my Weezy voice*

+ if the situation is the other way round, and you’re a dude on the receiving end (of the abuse, that is)… well, read and apply to yourself! Love ya!

BEND-DOWN-SELECT UNDIES

My friend heard me screaming “That shit ain’t right!” He thought I was on one of my endless-chatter/scream sprees again… Took a while before he could get the reason for the screaming outta me.
Guys, have you ever dated a chick who has a penchant for second-hand, fairly-used, or in a more popular language, bend-down select clothes? Yeah? No? Well, I don’t have a problem with those chicks (cos na condition make crayfish bend)… the chicks I actually have a problem with are those that have a strong liking for bend-down-select underwear.

What is Bend-down-select Underwear?

This can be defined as the undergarment worn next to the skin and under the outer garments, however purchased probably in an open market, at a not-so-different-from-new-never-been-worn-by-any-other-person-underwear price; in which the buyer gives the excuse of its supposed durability and a longer lasting tendency as excuse for buying it. Oh, did I mention they smell like they’ve been mothballed since forever? Yeah, they do.

My Beef!

If I was a dude and I found out that 90% of my girlfriend’s undergarments are of the bend-down-select sort, I would so break up with her! Ok, I’m just kidding… I’d probably talk with her and ask her to discontinue use and pray she listens, or she’ll be listening to me complaining on and on for as long as I can till I can’t take it no more.

What? I haven’t stated what my beef is? Ok, my beef is that if I was making love to my girl in some bend-down-select underwear, I would feel like I was with 2 different women – the real owner of the bra, and my girlfriend. And as much as I know you guys dream/desire/love threesomes or 'moresomes', I’m sure you’d like to act it out for real, not make love to the other girl’s underwear; you know, real not imagined.

And then as a girl, it'd be like I've got some girl’s undies stashed in my wardrobe; and when I do put on the bra, I’d feel like I have a stranger-girl’s hands all over my boobs! Ugh! *thinks about it* Double ugh!!! And it’s not like they’re even cheaper or anything like that! I asked.

My friend can’t stop laughing… I’m beginning to laugh myself. Mehn… that shit crazy!
… and then he had to throw this bomb into the already messy situation… guess what he just asked? Are there fairly-used panties too? Do ladies buy those too? *screams* I don’t know, and I don’t even think I’m interested in knowing!!! THAT SHIT AIN’T RIGHT!!!!

A Certain 'Lalacious'

“Lalacious, would you hold my purse for me please?” I heard the lady standing too close for comfort to me say to her kid. “Hmmm… Lalacious, see your nose!” That was when I looked at the kid, and alas, the kid with mucous running down his nose was a boy! Who ever nicknames a boy “Lalacious”! Seriously, that kid is gonna be too in touch with his feminine side (in a very bad way). And who blames a kid for his own runny nose, poor thing couldn’t be more than 3! A responsibility as huge as knowing to take care of his own nose is too… huge for a boy of 3.

Anyways this lady kept making calls, too many calls if you asked me. And all the conversations were decorated with “Yes Sir”, “Oh! I shouldn’t worry? You got my back?” “Oh thank you so much Sir” “Yes, I need like 300 grand now” in what I’d say was a trying-to-sound-sexy voice. You’d ask what my business was with this lady? How couldn’t she be my business when (1) she was standing so close to me that she could easily breathe on, kiss or bite my neck if she wanted (depending on her preference), (2) the damn queue moved too slowly cos only one ATM was functioning cash-dispensing-wise! *sighs*

1 hour later, and it finally came to my turn… hallelujah, right? Well, not quite. Let’s just say the only thing I got out of that 1-hour stand was aching legs and back, oh and sunburn! Now I’m just laying up in bed, legs elevated, Yanni’s ‘The Mermaid’ streaming through into my ears.

Have a terrific Saturday, y’all… and in case you find yourself on a long ATM queue today? May my spirit be with you! xoxo

Print Friday!

I was goin’ through some of my old stuff when I found this drawing a friend of mine made for me like a year ago, I don’t know if he had me in mind when he was drawing that, but who the hell cares! She’s hot! So what does this drawing have to do with today’s blog? Hmm, lemme see… nada! no relations at all.

It’s another Friday, yep! Despite my words of advice 2 Fridays ago, some of you still went and got stupidly drunk and totally embarrassed yourselves, puking and pissing all over the place! What exactly gan-gan is your problem(s)? Don’t you know your limit, or is ‘No Limit’ your Friday night motto?! And don’t tell me you didn’t know you’d consumed so much cos of the Cranberry you mixed with your Hennessey. If sweet innocent Cranberry can still deceive you at this your age, then cover your face in shame!

So in this about-to-end week that we’re in, I’ve seen so much Ankara that I never want to see any more Ankara in my life! Well, at least not until it’s time to pick Ankara for my own wedding (which is, btw, still under probability – the Ankara, not the wedding). It’s like a lotta my friends + cousin suddenly decided to get married this June.

Can I indulge you? No? well, I’m going to anyways, sorry (even tho I’m not):

They are nice, ain’t they? Well, feel free to invite yourselves to ‘em weddings!

(In conclusion) Here’s wishing y’all a lovely Friday evening… Boys, if she starts to pull a Dita Von Teese in the club, run! I know they say flaunt it if you’ve got it; but if you got an infection detector, you’d probably not want to tap that ass. Girls … well, if he starts to strip in the club… do I need to tell you what to do?! No? Thought so!

Occupy Third Mainland Bridge, MAULAGites!

A resemblance of the #OccupyNigeria movement has been going down at the Third Mainland Bridge for some hours now... Unilag students no wan gree again o

Is it just me, or has someone else been thinking too that GEJ is trying to prove real hard to those that voted for him that they made a huge mistake?! Everything he seems to do is so not working!


The aggrieved students blocked the Adeniji end of the bridge, waving placards and demanding a reversal of the pronouncement which they claimed was done in bad fate. So as they continue to 'Occupy' Third Mainland Bridge, I solemnly declare that they have my full support! Oh yes! #teamAgainstUnsexyUnswaggerliciousSchoolName

Dearest Unilag Students,

This blog is to sympathize with y'all... I have always known that our President aint got much swag... but I never knew he'd extend his lack of swaggerness to your very renowed institution... I mean, Moshood Abiola University of Lagos... what the heck!!! That's just crazy...

I see y'all been protesting, I would if I was a student:

 

And I see a lotta jestin' been going down on FB and Twitter, and once again our dear GEJ is the center of it all... I would so not like to be his kid right now! Hahaha!

#rotflmao!

And finally, not like I'm laughing at you MAULAGites (hehe...), I just had to make this!!! 

Hahahahaha!!! Happy democracy day, MAULAGites... na una e affect most!

THE LIVING SPIRIT

Gen. 2:7 tells us that until the breath of God came into the first man, he was -at first - dead!
John 20:21 tells us that we need the Holy Spirit of God, the breath of God, to actually live.

WHAT THE HOLY SPIRIT IS NOT!

He is not an "it". He is not the wind, neither is He oil nor water. He is a person, the third in the Trinity.

My main focus for this blog are in Gal. 5:22-23, the fruits of the Spirit. God did not just give us charisma, He gave us character. Your gifts don't give you stability, your fruits do (i.e. your character). Remember the saying "they don't care how much you know, they want to know how much you care." 'Care' is a character. Hence, these characters are not only important to God, but also to men. You need these fruits to conquer yourself, and according to my Pastor "if you can't conquer yourself, you can't conquer the world." I totally agree.

Let's take a look at these fruits, shall we?

THE CHARACTERS OF THE BELIEVER

If the Holy Spirit lives within us, we must be able to show the following characters:

1. LOVE
This is a deep tender feeling of affection towards a person. You can hate what a person does, but you cannot hate the person. if you have the Holy Spirit in you, you have the capacity to love endlessly.

He that hateth his brother, the love of God is not in him. He that loveth not, knoweth not God.

2. JOY
An emotional dispaly of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good. If you have the Holy Spirit in your life, no matter how sad the situation is, you will always find joy within you... cos truth is, the things that God has and is still doing for us outweighs those things (we think) He has not done. No sad situation must tamper with the joy of Christ in our hearts. Isa. 12:3. Without joy, we cannot have access to the other things God has in store for us.

3. PEACE
An agreement/treaty to end hostility. Freedom from quarrels (in the household, in relationships, at the workplace etc.). Absence of war. Harmonious relationship with fellow men. To be quiet and have rest.

Follow peace with ALL men

4. LONG-SUFFERING
Two words, One phrase - Suffer long! It means to patiently endure wrongs or difficulties. To endure something unpleasant for a long period of time BUT being patient throughout.

5. GENTLENESS
This means to be considerate, amiable, soft, tender, mild, not harsh or severe. If you have the Holy Spirit in you, you will not be self-centered; you will treat others the way you want to be treated, and not be the root/cause of all mischief.

6. GOODNESS
The state or quality of being good. Moral excellence. Virtue. Kindly feeling. Generous. We must always strive to be a person of excellence in everything we do. Give everything your best.

7. FAITH
To be able to be trusted, depended and relied upon is one character that most people out there do not possess. Re-fill on your Holy Spirit, if you're a victim!!!

8. MEEKNESS
Uncommon patience. To be submissive and humble. This particular character actually takes the grace of God especially with wives, but we must not forget what have been commanded of us as women... be submissive. It is your God-given obligation.

9. TEMPERANCE
This one interested me the most. Self-control. Habitual moderation in regards to the indulgence of natural appetite and passion. Moderate indulgence. Restraint in conduct, expression and indulgence of desires. How many of us know when and how to STOP in everything - food, drink, sex etc. The Holy Spirit can help us if we don't have a clue. Greed will only put us into trouble, and make us a victim of our passion/appetite/desires.

Discipline yourself.

And so the sermon came to an end last night... Even though we come into contact with the Holy Spirit once we're saved, we need to go back again and again to top-up, re-fill, renew our dose so as not to be Satan's victims. We cannot say no to the devil, his temptations and trials, he was here on earth before us, he existed before we did; but the good news is the Holy Spirit was here before him! Haha! So, you get the Holy Spirit, you win!!!

LESS FUR, MORE SKIN

How's the weekend going, y'all? Enjoying the weather? I am...

Yesterday, I put up an update + a picture of a cat, a scary-looking cat to be specific... a very fur-less cat! Yup, you read right... a fur-less cat. What is a cat without its furs?! Well, you will soon find out... patience, patience. So, I was just doing some random 'googling' yesterday, and I came by this picture:

That's a Sphynx... One of the strange breeds of hairless cats. I didn't even know hairless cats existed *covers face in shame*... So, for others who didn't know too, I present to you 6 different breeds of hairless cats:

1. THE SPHYNX

Here's another picture of this strange-looking cat

Oh Jesus ... *sign of the cross* those eyes!!! Kinda reminds me of Cruella Deville.

2. THE DONSKOY

Sometimes confused for the Sphynx... I read that their genetic make-up differs; although this is also referred to as the Don Sphynx...

I mean, I see what's so 'Don' about this cat... look at the eyes and ears (especially of the one below), it almost speaks of its errr... 'Donnish Personality'

3. THE BAMBINO

Ladies, when next your man calls you 'Bambino'? Don't be deceived, he means you look like this:

Haha! I'm just kidding... But seriously, how could they even name a cat like this 'Bambino'. (Bambino by the way, means 'child' or 'baby' in Italian, French, Spanish etc.)

 Ugh!

4. THE PETERBALD

I have a couple of friends who go by the name 'Peter'; now please, please, please tell me how I'm not gonna have these images pop up in my head when I'm talking/reminded of them. I mean, someone goes like 'hey, Peter called last night...' and then pop pop! these come up:

(Apologies to all my 'Peter' friends out there, I mean no disrespect!)

5. THE ELF CAT

Cat breeders Kristen Leedom and Karen Nelson were the brilliant minds that came up with the Elf Cat - a hybrid consisting of the American Curl and the Sphynx.

Well, here it is... 

and:

6. THE UKRAINIAN LEVKOY

No offence, but this particular breed looks... French. To me. Something about them makes me wanna name 'em 'Jean-Pierre' and 'Pierre-Loius'

And this, 'Mama Inés'

And ... 'Papa Raphaël'

LOL!!!

Anyways, that's it for the 6 breeds of hairless cats... But seriously, if I want a cat? I don't know why on earth I'd wanna be 'pet-mother' to a fur-less cat... I'd rather get me something like this:

Now, this is what I call a cat; it's breed is called a 'Munchkin' (cos of its short legs) ... isn't it cute! Don't you just wanna hold and cuddle it, and hear it purr softly in your ears! Heck, I can go to bed with this cat!

That's it, I'm done with my cat-obsessing... enjoy your weekend, folks!