Wednesday, June 5, 2013

ANDREA: Episode 17

Written by: BlogAces

She was having a talk with the young man when she thought she heard her name. She had to be sure so she halted the guy in mid sentence with a raise of her hand as she cocked her head to listen.

There.

She heard it now. Still very faint but unmistakably the falsetto voice of her mother. Damn! She had to rush to go answer. If her mum should step out of the house and find her way to the side to meet her like this, there'll be hell to pay. Not just for her but for this brave visitor of hers who was crazy enough to come check her at home.

'Dorcas!'

It was a little louder now so they both heard it. Dorcas seemed to push the young man to hurry along and signalled him that she'll be seeing him later even as she rushed into the house to meet her mother who was already screaming her name again..

"Dorcaseeee...!!!"

"Ma!" She shouted back with a trace of defiance as she ran into the house to meet her mum in the sitting room seated on the three seater couch. The mother was taking a nap when Dorcas got the call and surreptitiously stepped out of the house.

"Where are you coming from, Dorcas?" The mother asked in irritation. "I've been calling you since. Where did you go to?"

"I was just outside, ma. It was kind of hot inside and I was getting restless so I thought to step out of the house and get some fresh air."

The mum stared at her in a way Dorcas always felt very uncomfortable with. It was like she was looking into your soul. Ripping apart every layer of lies until she uncovered the truth there somewhere. It was really disconcerting.

"When you were feeling restless, why didn't you take up your books to start reading? Or don't you get to read again because you're on holidays?" The mother asked.

No response.

"Anyway, I'm just saying my own o!" The mother went on. "I know all the guys have their eyes on you but they only want to deceive you. No man wants to marry a liability anymore so you had better focus on your education so you can get good grades and a good job. I'm just saying my own."

And the fact was that Dorcas' mum had genuine reasons to be scared. Dorcas was due to be twenty in a few months so normally, she should not be keeping her daughter under her thumbs but even though the young lady had a small bosom (she was a size 32), at the other end, it was a different matter entirely and the elderly lady knew from the looks she always caught men giving her daughter that she was one of the most lusted-after girls in Osogbo. Dorcas was the kind of babe that you would say has a pleasant face but she just stopped short of being pretty. Her hair was quite long and she had a lovely dark skin with milk-white even teeth. She wasn't exactly proud of the size of her boobs but she knew she had killer hips and a very generous mound behind her so she played on her strength by developing the kind of walk that would put her behind in full swing. And the result was that half of the men population in Osogbo where she lived couldn't take their eyes off her when she walked past. They practically gaped. The other half just seemed to glance at her uninterestedly in the open but they fantasised about her in secret. They were the older men of the town. She was coming from the market a few days before when she met the young man she was chatting with. The guy was quite good-looking and very charming with words. She didn't understand how he charmed her out of her name and phone number that day. After that first meeting, her figure was all he could think about. After some persistent calling, he finally got her address and despite her warnings, he was crazy enough to show up at the house of a woman that would have bitten him till she tasted blood had he been caught. Dorcas liked his boldness. She was being charmed by his words until the sound of her mother's voice broke the spell. Her mother's voice was a real spell breaker.

"So where's my phone o? Her mum voice cut off her thoughts.

"I don't have it, ma."

"Ehen. I need to make an urgent call. Do you have credit on your phone?" Dorcas wasn't fooled though. To her mother, urgent calls meant she was seriously missing someone or worried about the person.

"I don't, ma. I only have enough to flash."

"Is that so?" And the mum gave her that look that she always hated for a couple of moments before breaking off the stare.

"Help me call my line let me find my phone first. Then I'll need you to go buy me recharge card." Dorcas was already dialling the number and then waited for the phone to ring. It rang somewhere around where the mum was seated so she helped to search around the couch. She probed until she found the phone and handed it to her mother.

"Thank you." The mother said. "Now take Two Hundred Naira out of the Three Hundred Naira change I have with you and go buy me recharge card, please."

"Which one should I buy, ma?" Dorcas asked and immediately regretted it.

"What stupid question is that? How many networks do you know me with? When all you silly girls of nowadays start thinking about boys like this..."

Dorcas didn't wait to hear the rest of it as she was already out of the house wondering what made her ask the truly stupid question.

Her mother sat back and sighed. Her mind wandered to different places through time. She was really a battle scarred old lady. Her husband had died five years before and she usually remembered him with mixed feelings. She had been married to him for almost three decades and she was battered all through the marriage until his death through the bullet of escaping armed robbers. On the fateful day, he had handed her a severe beating for daring to challenge him for wanting to go drinking with his friends that evening. He had beaten her so bad that he left her with one eye swollen shut. Even presently, the eye still hurt her from time to time. So it must have been karma that her husband got the bullet in the eye as the robbers were firing at will while trying to evade the cops.
His drinking buddies rushed him to the hospital to save his life but a few minutes after midnight, he was confirmed dead. Later that morning, their compound was a beehive of activities. The new widow was inconsolable. She cursed her departed husband for not heeding her warnings, she cursed the armed robbers for not finding better things to do with their lives and for turning her two kids to orphans, she cursed the police for not curbing crime and arresting the robbers, she cursed her late husbands friends for being irresponsible and not staying with their own families, she cursed the government, she cursed everyone she believed was remotely involved in the tragedy. Even her distraught son who had rushed in from University found it hard to console his mother. It was pathetic watching as she wailed with tear flowing from even the badly swollen eye. The constant beatings her husband meted out to her was a well documented fact that everyone around knew about. So they felt sorry for her even though some of the ladies there didn't have any sympathy for the late husband. He was a brute and that was all there was to it. The burial had been painful and quiet but life had gone on. Her son had returned back to the university leaving his mother and his teenage sister to help heal the wounds of the loss.

"Here is the card, ma." She snapped out of her thoughts. She didn't even hear Dorcas enter. She collected the card and proceeded to load it.

"When last did you hear from your brother?" She asked Dorcas.

"Err... Like last week. I called him."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing much. Just asked after school and all that sha. Asked after you, ma."

"Hmmm... That's why I didn't want him to marry that girl. I've not seen my son in like a year now. When we tell you kids of these days something, you'll never listen. Anyway, let me call him first. I want to see him."
She dialled the phone and waited for the connection.

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Sam looked from Andrea to Eddie and back to Andrea. They were both looking so embarrassed. He actually had to admit to himself that he enjoyed the look of discomfort on Eddie's face.

"Well, well, well... You guys are having a family meeting of such magnitude and you wanted to leave me out?" Sam said with a smile. "Anyway, I forgive you both. I'll try to catch up. Go on." He sat down and stared at Andrea.

"What do you want me to say, Sam?" She asked.

"Let's just say that as much as I hate to, I'll have to agree with him on this one." He said this while nodding in Eddie's direction.

"I think we should start thinking about kids. I like kids and I'd like to have mine so what do you say to that, babe?"

Andrea was really lost for words. She had anticipated this issue and had actually broached the issue of kids but she couldn't believe she was on a hot seat thrashing out the issue before the two of them! She always prided herself on having everything under her control but this was way out of control. It was time to go for broke.

"No!" She blurted out.

"No???" Sam exclaimed in shock. Even Eddie who had been embarrassingly quiet couldn't hide the panic in his face. "What do you mean by 'No?' You should at least give this a good thought, you know? I mean..."

At just that moment, his phone rang. He picked it up to look at the caller ID and rolled his eyes. "You know what, honey? I need to pick this call. You stay right there. I'll be right back. We need to finish this. Excuse me." He headed for the kitchen to take his call.

Andrea turned to face Eddie with a glare that could have melted metal.

"I'm sorry, babe. That was tactless of me. I should have waited till we had our privacy. Just thought it was the right time." Eddie looked really contrite.

Andrea visibly relaxed. "Yes you should have, Eddie. But it's okay."

"Good to know we're cool. So about that issue..." He looked to make sure the kitchen door was still shut. "What you just said now, I meant that 'No,' it doesn't apply to your Eddiekins now, does it?" He flashed her his most charming smile and Andrea returned it with a charmer of her own.

"Of course it applies to you too, sweetie. It applies to the both of you. You two are just being selfish!" Her countenance changed to anger.

"Wait Andrea. I'm just sayi..." She cut him off with her raised hands.

"Let me finish what I'm saying goddammit!"

Eddie went mum.

"Did you guys care to think of me and my growing career before coming all macho to ask for kids? Not once. When they start coming, you guys in typical guys fashion will find all kinds of silly excuses to stay away and leave my life on the precipice. Three months before childbirth and four months after, I'm a sitting duck. For at least seven months, I can't do nothing. So after it all, I have to start from scratch and I'm talking about something I find so much joy and fulfilment in... but then, I may have a proposition. If you guys insist on kids, then fine by me. We can do kids. But on some conditions that I'll spell out. Now listen; for whoever I'm expecting his child, he'll have to take a leave or resign three months before the child arrives. I'll need him to run business errands for me, drive me to see clients, go shopping for me. He'll be there when the child arrives and we'll be sharing the same room for a year. He can resume his job five months after the baby arrives. We'll have to take turns changing the diapers and carrying and petting the screaming baby to sleep. When the kid starts school, it'll be the responsibility of the father to take them to school and I'm totally fine with picking them up. All these conditions I'll be writing down and whoever is interested in going first can sign and then we can get this bloody circus rolling. If there's anything I missed out, I'll add it when I'm drafting the agreement. When Mr Macho in there is done with the call he's taking, kindly pass on my terms so that you clowns can tell me who wants to go first. In the meantime, I'm going to my room now and I honestly don't want to be disturbed right now."

With that, she left a stunned speechless Eddie as she headed for her room.

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When her mum ended the call, Dorcas knew all wasn't well. Her mum was staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. She was brooding.

"What did he say?"
Her mum replied her without taking her eyes off the nothing in particular she was staring at.

"It seems that witch is turning my son into another thing. No plans to come see me, nothing. I warned the stupid boy but he wouldn't listen. Seems I've kept quiet and played gentle too long."

And with those words, Dorcas saw the contemplative look turn into the stubborn look her mum always wore when she had her heart set to do something. That 'something' from Dorcas' experience wasn't only going to be ugly but it would take death only to stop her.

"Come with me, Dorcas! I need to go and pack some stuff. I'm travelling to Lagos." The mum was on her feet. 

Uh-oh! "Erm... Mummy! Did you tell brother that you're coming?"

"No, I didn't."

"So how will you know where to look for him? Lagos is big o. Or do you know where he stays?"

"No, I don't. When I get to Lagos, I'll call him at the park to tell him I'm around. I want to know whether he won't come and pick me. That's when I'll finally decide my son is a bastard and that the witch has totally taken over him."

"So you're going tomorrow morning, abi?"

"No. I'm going today. This afternoon. I want to get there in the evening and if possible by night."

"Ha! I don't know about this one o. I'm not sure if it's a good idea."

"Shut up and come and help me pack. I know what I'm doing. Your brother needs to be taught a lot of sense. And if he's under any influence, I intend to break that influence and break that witch too if I have to. I must see how he's doing today and that's that."

"Okay, ma" Dorcas responded in resignation.

"I don't have to tell you to take care of yourself and watch the shop while I'm away. And I must not hear any nonsense about any stupid boy loitering around. Do you hear me?

"Yes ma."

"Good. Now that the question is over, let me go and get ready. By the time I'm done with that witch, both her and Samson won't know what hit them!" She declared.

Of that, Dorcas had no doubt whatsoever.

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Monday, May 13, 2013

ANDREA: Episode 16



Written by: BlogAces
 
Co-written by: RebelKween



It was a bright and beautiful Sunday morning and It's been over three weeks since Eddie's discharge from the hospital and he was feeling excellent again. His wrist had healed fast and Andrea couldn't hide her delight at his quick and full recovery. Eddie had claimed the fact he was fully recovered was down to Trevo,a nutritional supplement the good Samaritan that drove him to the hospital after the accident had recommended and gotten for him. "That Trevo product works wonders!" He would always announce to Andrea everyday and she was now getting to believe. It was like Eddie was looking brand new and vibrant each day.

Eddie's car was a different story though. The front of the car took some serious battering but they were thankful his life was spared. Besides,the insurance cover was still on so he didn't really have much to worry about.

Sundays were the days where they were all able to fully relax. Even Eddie who was always busy on one programme or the other spent his Sundays just relaxing and when he even had to power on his laptop, he mostly played games on it.
Sam loved to play video games but there was no way he was challenging Eddie to a duel on his Playstation. He actually considered it on a few occasion but he swept away such thoughts as soon as they dropped in.
Andrea on her own did just about anything on Sundays. She cooked, she cleaned, she made her hair, she went to the movies with any of the guys that would take her and of course, she kept up with the Kardashians. She was a huge fan of the show and neither of her husbands could understand what kick she got from the show they considered as fake but they let her indulge herself.
Sunday was a day they all did everything except go to church. They rarely did. Eddie was the biggest culprit. He only showed up in church to usher in the New Year. On other Sundays in the year, he couldn't be bothered. Andrea showed up in church when the mood moved her or when the day promises to be boring enough. Way she saw it, God rested on the 7th day after all his work so why shouldn't she after all her work? Or wasn't that what she was thought in Sunday school when she was a kid? Well, that practically summed it up.
The Irony of it all was that Sam, who one would think was allergic to the four walls of a church, made sure he showed up in church at least once a month and he had actually attended service the Sunday before. He grew up in a strong christian family but along the road of life, he took a lot of wrong turnings but he still clung to a bit of his roots. He goes to a big church some ten minutes drive from home whenever he can to enjoy the service. A wonderful environment, comfortable church, powerful service and not forgetting the lovely ladies that thronged the place were the treats he usually got from attending. He loved the place and he kept promising himself he'll step up his commitment to the church pretty soon.

Senami had already left for church as was her custom. She never missed Sunday and midweek services at a church she attended nearby. She usually left home by 7am on Sundays because she was in the Ushering department so by the time Andrea and her husbands settled in the sitting room that morning around 8:22am they knew they would be getting all they needed themselves.
Senami wasn't due back till after noon.

Sam was seated on the big sofa idling on his computer. Andrea sat on a sofa adjacent to him filing her nails with her manicure set well arranged on the table. Eddie sat opposite Andrea swiping and paying attention to some things on his iPad.
They did what they were doing in silence until Andrea broke the silence.

"Hey guys, don't you think we should go to church more? Been thinking about it." She looked from one guy to the other to be sure they were listening.

"Uhmmmm" Eddie hummed without taking his eyes off his iPad.

"Well, I do go to church so I guess I'm exempted." Sam said. "What you need to do, dear, is to work on yourself and while you're at it, you might wanna work on the scientist here too. You know they tend to be atheists."

"You know, he's right." Eddie said before Andrea could reply Sam. He kept on swiping on his iPad.

"Really, Eddie?" Andrea asked with an incredulous look on her face. "You no longer believe in God?"

"Not really that." Eddie replied. "I know there's a God, but I tend to swing towards Darwinism?"

"Darwinism?" Andrea asked, now confused. "What the hell is Darwinism? Sounds like something you'll hear in one of these sci-fi movies."

"I told you, didn't I?" Sam smirked. "Scientists and their silly, unfounded claims."

"Eddie, please, explain what you mean by Darwinism." Andrea prompted.

"Easy." Eddie replied with a straight face. "Charles Darwin, in the nineteenth century propounded a theory that all life forms as we have it now are a product of Evolution."

"Wait! That stuff about humans evolving from monkeys, right?" Andrea asked.

"Apes. Exactly!" Eddie replied with a smile. "I've always known you got the smarts in abundance."

"Well I don't believe such hogwash. There's no way I'm gonna accept the fact that my ancestors were monkeys, Eddie." Andrea fired.

"Calm down, baby. I understand your apprehension but let me finish. See, I was taught that in science when I was a little kid..."

Sam just laughed quietly to himself and kept on concentrating on his laptop.

"...and although it really sounded interesting, I found it hard to believe too." Eddie continued speaking as he kept swiping on his iPad.
"Truth was that I never believed even though I studied and read wide about it to pass in flying colours. I never believed it for a minute."

"Okay..." Andrea replied slowly. She was now fully interested. "And when did all that change. When did you start believing in this Darwin guy and his silly theory?"

"I believed completely in Darwin's theory and became a Darwinian when ... I first met him." He mouthed the words and nodded in Sam's direction. He got up to sit beside Andrea and he handed his iPad over to Andrea and said "Look at that Ape-Man when you count two from the chimpanzee. Don't know about you but I don't spot a difference." He said quietly to Andrea.
She was suddenly wide-eyed and she used her hands to cover her mouth as she looked at Sam and suddenly burst out in wild laughter.

Sam caught the look.

"What? What?" He asked. "What's funny? What's the big joke?"

"Nothing, dear." Andrea replied as she kept laughing uncontrollably. "Eddie's just being a complete ass."

"Well he's a natural at that." Sam muttered under his breath. "I know he said something stupid about me and it's a good thing you guys kept it between yourselves."

"And what if you heard, Sam, what would you have done? Beaten the shit out of me?"

"I'm seriously considering it." Sam replied as he rose to his full height while sending a menacing look at Eddie.

"Really?" Eddie stood too facing Sam. "Okay then, let's see you try."

Andrea got up and stood between them both.
"You guys should stop it!" She screamed. "Do you two always have to act like little kids? Can't we just have some laughs at each other's expense without drawing swords? I'm sick and tired of all these."

Eddie visibly calmed,picked up his iPad and went back to his seat.
"There's always a solution to every problem."  Eddie said to no one in particular. "I'm done with all these monkey business anyway."
He picked up the TV remote as he clicked on the power button. He also powered on the DSTV decoder and waited for it to come on.

Andrea almost laughed when Eddie got to the "monkey business" part but she had to restrain herself with all her self-will. Eddie really had an acerbic wit and a nasty tongue and she wasn't ready to rile Sam so she sat down and got back to her nail filing.

Sam sat down with a hiss and got back to what he was doing on his laptop.

After waiting for what always seemed like forever, the DSTV came on and Eddie put it on Cartoon Network.

"You're kidding me, right? Andrea asked with an amused look on her face.

"Depends on how you see it, dear." Eddie responded with a charming smile. "But you should know by now that I love watching cartoons."

"So three adults are seated here and you chose to watch cartoons, Eddie? Like really?" Andrea went on.

She stole a quick glance at Sam and though it was hard to tell what could have been going on beneath that poker-face,she wasn't fooled. She was certain he would be seething inside."

"Right on cue, Ben Tennyson!!!" Eddie exclaimed in excitement. "Sorry Andy love, but it so happens I love this particular cartoon and it's been a long while I saw it."
Andrea simply rolled her eyes as Eddie sat back to enjoy the programme.
After a couple of minutes, Sam put down his laptop and headed for the kitchen but not before firing a menacing look at the back of Eddie's head.

"Really, Eddie, isn't there something else to watch on DSTV?" Andrea asked some minutes after Sam left.

"This will do just fine, babe." Eddie replied still staring at the large TV screen.

"I seriously think you should change the channel, Eddie. We aint kids here, you know?"

"Hmmm... You and kids sha.  Speaking of 'Kids,' babe, when are we gonna start having them?" Eddie had his eyes off the TV screen and focused on hers.

"Huh?" Was all Andrea could manage. She couldn't believe her ears.

"You know what I'm talking about,sweetheart?" Eddie pressed on. "I would love to have kids by you and kids will bring some life and excitement to this place. You should be excited by this too. Having all those cute little me and you's running around the place... Think about it."

Andrea had her mouth wide open for she didn't know what to say. Then she looked up and she suddenly turned white. For there was Sam standing there sipping what she could tell was coffee from a mug. She was sure he had heard all what had been said because he had this look of keen interest trained on her.